ghostwritten #1.

so, this is how this works: i thought it would be good to have this blog ghostwritten from time to time (because i am both busy and boring) so i asked some friends if they were interested. if you can guess who my ghostwriter is (in the comments section), i will give you a prize. but i won't reveal this information publicly. guessing can go on forever. i will just personally contact the first person who guesses right.

here's installment #1:

Holy crap, am I ever bereaved! Seriously. This is a whole new kind of pain. INTENSE. I wrote the eulogy and filled it with all this stuff about how I had always feared this moment since I was a child, but now that it is here, all i feel is joy because she is everywhere with me, and it sounded good, right, like I was totally digging the minister reading it so sincere-like. Enough that I felt slightly like if I wasn't an atheist I would really want to be a minister, I could get into that. But since I came home, just, nope. Not so true. I am just going to fake it til I make it, just like they do in AA. So if I keep up this jolly front forever, either I've never really made it, or I am just that jolly. Only time will tell.

But yes, it is a bottomless pit of aching lonesomeness and loss to miss the person you have been most intimately close with in your life. Don't push people away to avoid this --it will make you bad, and maybe feeling the very strong pain will be somehow good for you. Or not, who is to say? Not me, whoa!

Ok, are you ready? Man, the funeral home had a website that was like a movie theatre website, with a "Now Featuring" section. I became so hypnotized by it. Also, the fact that you could send your condolences to some invisible message board to the family, that the funeral home printed out and distributed to the family. I wish I could have seen the rejects! It seemed like the best new prank call! But way way worse, because you could do such awful things like pretend to be a ghost trapped in the internet. This was a very relaxing and soothing idea to me.

To distract from it though, let me share something with you. Anyhow, tonight is a blizzard and they even said "DON"T GO OUTSIDE" on the news, so ok already.

I was just walking down the street and some people who I think were on some crack but maybe were on some meth were walking with shovels. One said:
"Why'd you do that for?!"
(the other) "Aw gimme a break."
(1st) "Yeah, I know why you did that. You just started makin' sense, actually!"
(2nd) "Why, then, motherfucker?!"
(1st) "Because I just discoverd YOU'RE RETARDED!!"

I would hate to discover I am judgemental at this point in my life just as much as this person must be saddened by discovering he is deficient (or to use the dictionary definition "slow, or slowed"). I can't even say for certain that judgemental is any different from regular mental: if anything, it must be worse.

Still though. I wouldn't necessarily take a diagnosis like that from someone who fucks his mother. I really wish I could have Cyrano'd that to the retarded one, but there's a storm, and they had those shaky maybe-crack, maybe-meth-hands.